Someone shit on the floor
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
