My cat gives me a boner
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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