we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
