The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
