garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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