I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
