i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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