So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
