The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
