i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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