I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
