Already got asked if we're dating
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
