so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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