I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
