DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
