I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just forgot I was standing up.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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