hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
