My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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