My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
