i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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