The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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