I will die if light touches me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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