If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
