i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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