I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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