I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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