matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
