Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
