we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
