Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
