she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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