The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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