This is not my ceiling
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
