Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
