it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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