Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
