also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
