Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How external is "for external use only"?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
