ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
