Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
