My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
