You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
