we have pet lesbian snakes
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
