Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
