If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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