Sry I called you an 8
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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