kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
