He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
