i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You are a genius and a whore.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
