areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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